xoVain

I was six years old when Basic Instinct came out in 1992, and I am continually devastated by the 10 years I missed out on having this masterpiece in my life. Flash forward to my 16-year-old self driving to Blockbuster with my girl Roxanne on a Friday night, and randomly picking it. (We loved to pick a movie based on nothing but the cover. Suffice to say many times we succeeded: Basic Instinct (obvs), Pootietang (Sa Da Tay my Bammies) and Blue Velvet (ding ding ding--success, and changed my life forever. On the other hand, we endured many a flop such as B.A.P.S. and Freddie Got Fingered.)

At 16, we were obviously most interested in Michael Douglas’s perfectly sculpted ass, but also with how drop-dead-gorgeous Sharon Stone aka Catherine Tramell was. BABING. Like, so effortless I wanted to barf. I thought, I can’t f-ing WAIT to be an adult and look just like that. Still waiting. Tick. Tock. I mean I’ll be 30 in 3.5 years (YES I am counting halves--I am NOT trying to be 30 before I have to, na’ mean?), how long do I have to wait?!

There was one scene though, that really made me love Sharon/Catherine/Ellen Mirojnic (the costume designer), and it was THE scene: the crossing/uncrossing of the legs sans panties (sorry for the p word) while being interrogated. "Whaaaaat," we squealed, and then rewound and re watched it about 15 times. She. Is. So. Effing. COOL! And that dress. Minimalist '90s perfection.

Let's rewind to the scene before, when, after the cops came to her house to take her to the station, she opted for a quick change. Oh you know, just throwing on an amazing, sleeveless, mock turtleneck dress over just her bare babeness, and the most effortless French twist in history.

The '90s are back, y’all, and I can’t think of a better makeup/hair/clothes inspiration then Sharon in that scene. Perfection! Matte face (without a hint of cake), strong brows, a (half) smoky eye, and heavily lined rosy-brown lips.

And a knife.

THE HAIR

Pulling my hair back in this fashion has never proved as easy as it was for Catherine, but suffice to say, it makes you look pulled-the-hell-together, even if you are being interrogated.

On wet hair, I started with a texturizing spray like Tigi’s Catwalk Session Series Salt Spray to give a little grit and hold to my fine hair (I’m sure Catherine had been swimming laps before she was so rudely barged in on), and rough dry.

Next, the part that is mega-important to give my hair height and staying power (without any little broken pieces falling forward--Bleach casualties) is to spray dry shampoo and then back-comb. Don’t go overboard with the back-combing, and break your hair. Start at the back of your dome and sort of shape your pomp by back-combing.

Next, since my hair is pretty short, I have to improvise my French twist. This gives me flashbacks to my sophomore prom (the one where I went to the tanning bed) and my hair was even shorter than it is now but I desperately wanted my hair to look like Paris Hilton’s (I’m sorry) on the cover of the March 2004 issue of Elle, so I rolled up to the Aveda Salon in Snider Plaza and showed my main man Jason a picture. They did a fabulous job, and you would have had no clue my hair was literally THREE inches long.

After the texturizing spray and crown teasing, I pull all my hair back into a ponytail and with my right hand make an inverted “V” like if I were to cut my hair off with scissors, with my palm flat on my head. Next, I wrap my “phony” left around my middle finger, tucking it under and securing with hairpins. There will be some hair spillage, so I use bobby pins to tuck those back. Spray thoroughly with Elnett, and rough with your hands a bit, and you should be good.

THE MAKEUP

For Catherine’s look, we want to start with a face color on the matte or satin end of the spectrum. “Dewy” doesn’t seem like the look Catherine was going for, but she also wasn’t caking heavy foundation on her face.

Sunday Riley Effottless Breathable Tinted Primer is tinted but not at all shiny, and evens out your face without covering it up.

Next, I apply concealer as needed and finish with a dusting of powder my T-zone.

Contouring is essential to achieve that strong, '90s look (and to fake that your bone structure is like Sharon Stone’s). Using Tom Ford’s Shade & Illuminate, shade under your cheekbone down towards your mouth and blend in circular motions. Now shade both sides of your nose, and under your jaw.

For contouring your eye socket, you will need a slanted eye brush like Burberry’s Eye Shaper, and a neutral taupe shadow like Burberry’s Almond. Shade around where the top of your eyeball bulges when you have it shut. Don’t overdo! Catherine was subtle (well, with her makeup at least).

For cheeks, I applied a rosy pigment, YLS Rouge Volupte Shine in Rose Infininte, on the apples of my cheeks, which you can also use on your lips after lining them fully in MAC lip liner in Strip Down (Catherine would approve, duh).

Catherine’s brows are strong with a capitol S, so I used Anastasia’s powder duo in Ash Blonde/Taupe to fill them in before spraying a bit of Elnett on my (old) toothbrush. Her eyes are defined with out having too much of a “look.”

Let's call it a half smoky eye.

I lined the top of my eye right at the lash line with MAC’s Bountiful Brown and smudged it a bit with my finger. I then applied two coats of CoverGirls NatureLuxe mascara in black brown.

Finally, the dress. Believe me, I wish I could tell you I owned something similar, but my crusty ass’s white dresses consist of ones that make me look like a sister wife, or like I’m going to a Phish show.

The latter is true! Three nights at SPAC this weekend!

You may not have Catherine’s wardrobe, bone structure (devastating!) or knack for ice picks, but you can cop her look, and cop you should, cause it’s fierce as all f&%k.

My under-eye circles are the bane of my existence. When I shared this hard-hitting story on xoJane, the comments were pretty enlightening. From iron deficiencies to the benefits of thick-rimmed glasses to embracing my shadows à la the ever-beautiful Charlotte Gainsbourg, it was all circle talk, all the time.

Most intriguing, was this shared image:

Caption: Yes, there is a special tape to create eye bags, and yes, this is totally desirable.

In Korea, the term is called Aegyo Sal (loosely translated as "beautiful/cute/winsome skin") and you can even get surgery to achieve the look. Unfortunately, these aren't my personal zombie-hey-you-look-tired-are-you-okay brand of dark under-eye circles. Instead, these bags are fat pouches that apparently make one look more wide-eyed, youthful and innocent.

Trying not to poke my eye out with a shadow brush.

I wasn't totally convinced, but anything in the name of beauty, right? While I don't have access to the stickers, or the makeup kits especially made for faking it, I thought I could improvise.

All you essentially need is a matte eyeshadow a couple of shades darker than your skin, and a highlighter (a light shimmery shadow or light-coloured shimmery eyeliner will do).

Let's make eye bags!

First, I evened out my skin using Dr. Jart+ Premium BB Cream. What's an Asian-inspired beauty tutorial without BB cream? It has great coverage and SPF 40, though it is slightly more pink than my skin tone. I used a small amount of concealer around my eyes to cover under-eye darkness. I used less than I normally do, because I figured the lower part of the dark circle would help create a more natural looking shadow when drawing in the "bag."

The eye on the left is my bare eye. The right eye is where I've added matte bronzer around half a centimetre below my lower lash line. Yes, it's looking kind of grandpa-y, I'll admit.

I started by using a round brush to apply Illamasqua Powder Blusher in Disobey (a matte bronze) half a centimetre below my lower lashes. Coincidentally, I could have used Urban Decay's Buck. (Broken record alert, but it's probably my favourite eyeshadow of all time--it's a matte, beige brown.) You want to blend so they aren't any harsh lines. You can use Q-tip to do this if you don't have a brush.

Full disclosure: It kind of felt ridiculous drawing a dark circle on top of the dark circles that I have been trying to cover since forever, but if this is what makes some K-pop singers super cute, who I am to judge?

Next I used a champagne eyeliner with a bit of shimmer right below my lash line. Using a Q-tip, I then applied Lush Feeling Younger Skin Tint over the eyeliner. This is done to make the "bag" stand out.

I found that the bag still looked a bit flat, so I took a light brown eyeliner and carefully traced over where I applied the bronzer. Then, I blended lightly with a brush.

I kept the rest of the eye fairly basic. A sweep of liquid eyeliner and a small flick. Since this look attempts to highlight the shape of the eye, I think anything more would be a bit much.

Clump city, but my favourite mascara is still missing in action.

I finished it off with a couple of coats of mascara.

For my cheeks, I went for a subtle rosy glow with Cargo Cheek Activator in Rose Flush, a soft natural pink.

Youth is what we're after here, so I lined and filed my lips with Clinique's Baby Buff, a soft-pinky nude, and applied lip balm over the top.

I also included some swatches of the products I used, since it seemed like a top request in the survey post!

Fr L to R: Illamasqua's Disobey, Urban Decay's Buck (because I love it so), Dr. Jart BB Cream, Lush's Feeling Younger Skin Tint, Cargo's Cheek Activator in Rose Flush, Clinique's Baby Buff

The finished look:

Fr L to R: Illamasqua's Disobey, Urban Decay's Buck (because I love it so), Dr. Jart BB Cream, Lush's Feeling Younger Skin Tint, Cargo's Cheek Activator in Rose Flush, Clinique's Baby Buff

Spot the difference.

I photoshopped the Aegyo Sal out in the first picture, so you can see the difference. Is it good? Bad? Undecided?

Notice how I didn't pose while making a peace sign because I'm trying not to be stereotypical? JK. I obviously did.

Because, of course.

To be honest, I don't think it's as strange as I initially thought it might be. Dare I say it's kind of even cute. I mean, I definitely felt 25% more K-pop, maybe even a bit J-Pop. I think a more wearable version would be skipping the shadow and only applying the highlight.

What do you think? Would you try faking Aegyo Sal?

So, I came back from Ancient Rome, washed off the asses’ milk, dusted off the soot, and asked myself where (when) to turn for some more handy cosmetic advice from our forebears. As you do.

This time we’re listening to the Ancient Egyptians, since leaving them out would almost definitely provoke some sort of curse involving sandstorms and scarab beetles.

Liz as Cleo, Queen of Babes (I mean Egypt).

The Ancient Egyptian attitude to beauty is fascinating and multidimensional. Makeup palettes, tweezers and razors have been found in tombs, underlining the importance of cosmetic culture.

Makeup had an aesthetic purpose, but it also had spiritual and practical purposes; makeup was all things to all people, and indeed was worn by everyone, regardless of gender or class. Egyptians even applied makeup to statues of gods and goddesses.

EYE MAKEUP

The Eye of Horus (Left), The Eye of Bella (Right)

Think of Ancient Egyptian beauty and you probably think of extended eyeliner and lashings of blue and gold. But eye makeup for the Ancient Egyptians was much more than a case of looking Ra-vishing (unapologetic).

So important was eye makeup that it was believed one could only reach the afterlife with immaculate liner.

"Before presenting himself at the Hall of Justice, the deceased must purify himself, dress in white garments, make up his eyes and anoint himself. Only then may he enter the realm of Osiris." - The Book of the Dead

The eyes had hoooooj spiritual importance. The almond shape we see in lots of Egyptian art is reminiscent of the shape of a falcon’s eye. The reason this shape was replicated is due to Horus, the falcon sky god.

Story time!

Set, god of the desert, gouged out Horus’s left eye in a fight for kingship after Osiris died. The eye grew back and Horus offered it to his pa, Osiris, thinking it might restore him to life. In this way, the eye became a symbol of life and protection, and the wearing of Horus-esque eye makeup was like a sort of cosmetic amulet, an "evil eye" to ward off bad spirits and keep the wearer safe. (Fun fact: the ancient word for "eye palette" is thought to come from the word for "protection.")

What’s even more interesting (I think!) is how the Egyptians thought this protective potency manifested. They believed that their eye makeup:

shielded their eyes from desert glare
warded off insects (kohl is a natural fly deterrent)
protected against eye diseases (the medical papyri frequently prescribe makeup for complaints of the eye, which were common when the Nile was flooded; it’s true that lead sulphide in kohl is a natural disinfectant.)

Pretty amazing huh? And what did they actually do to get these magic eyes?

Well, the Egyptians used any combination of black galena (kohl), and green eye paint, made of malachite. The colour green symbolised health and joy, and eternal paradise was sometimes called the "field of malachite." The Egyptian word for green (Wadj) means "to bloom," and fertility gods are depicted with green skin.

In recognition of the synchronicity of growth and decay, green was also associated with death and resurrection. During mummification, the heart was left in the body and a green heart scarab was placed over it for protection.

HOW TO READY YOURSELF FOR THE EGYPTIAN AFTERLIFE (MINUS MUMMIFICATION)

To protect myself from the blazing sun of North London, and so that, when my time comes, I can get into paradise, I’m going to recreate the Ancient Egyptian eye.

I’ll be using modern products, as I don’t have a way to get my grubby mitts on Egyptian galena and malachite, but I will be sticking closely to the shape of the eye of Horus, for I am a nerd.

Step 1. Start with a naked face. Like this one:

Ooh, I’m never gonna get into paradise like this!

Step 2. Put on some eye primer. Your eyes are gonna need it.

I really like Avon's. I find it’s just the right consistency and colour, and really increases the time my makeup lasts (which is especially important when you’re doing makeup for the eternal afterlife).

Step 3. Build your brows up. This is important in terms of giving you a frame when doing the rest of the eye makeup. I used Rimmel Professional Eyebrow Pencil in Black Brown.

Argh, these brows are so heavy I have to hold my head up with my hand.

Step 4. Put some blue/green eyeshadow all over the lid, right up to the brow. I used a cream followed by a powder: Maybelline Color Tattoo in Turquoise Forever and then a turquoise shade from MUA’s 12 Shade Poptastic Palette.

This is where my eyes are.

Step 5. Using a black liquid or gel eyeliner (I used Maybelline), line your eyes as normal, but then take your line right into the inner tear duct, and dip it down a little so you look like Horus. Then extend the liner from the outer corner of your eye to the outer corner of your eyebrow using the edge of your shadow as a guide.

If you like, draw another line out slightly lower down, so that you can join the two and fill in the little triangle with some gold eyeshadow if you feel so inclined.

Almost ready.

Now I just need a sarcophagus.

I wanted "the full Horus" (see earlier picture) so I added in the pattern beneath the eye too.

SKIN

The Egyptians were hot on skincare, and knew the damage the sun could do. They found that the application of oils (in particular moringa, castor and sesame) softened their skin and kept them looking youthful.

Looking young till your dying day was a) not-that-hard when life expectancy was 40, and b) crucial, if you expected the gods to resurrect you. You had to look fresh enough to be given another go.

Creams and oils were so important that they were even given as wages sometimes. Burns were concealed with an ointment of red ochre, kohl and sycamore juice, and honey was used as a multipurpose healing trick.

Henna was used to stain lips and cheeks, paint nails and dye hair. The earliest historical evidence of henna is the traces found on the nails of mummies. Henna was also used for tattoos, which were considered erotic. Mummies of dancers from the Middle Kingdom have geometric designs, and in the New Kingdom, tattoos of the god Bes (protector of pregnant women and families) were found on the thighs of dancers and servant girls.

HAIR

The higher your status, the more likely it was that you’d shave your entire head and body to lower risk of lice infestation. Only commoners kept their hair.

That’s not to say that Egyptians liked the look of a bald head. Anyone who was anyone had a wig. They were made from human and animal hair, combined with plant fibres, and came in many colours including blue, green and gold, although black was most popular. They were usually divided into three sections, two on either side and one down the back.

Wigs were scented with perfumes, and for special occasions, women would wear cones on top of them, carrying incense. The wig could also be raised on small pads to allow the scalp to stay cool. Women who were attached to their own hair were advised that at least they should enhance its shine by rubbing in a concoction of oil and the boiled blood of a black cat or bull.

Wigs were often styled with beeswax. Fascinatingly, Egyptologists at the University of Manchester, UK, have discovered "hair gel" at a burial site at the Dakhleh Oasis in Egypt: a substance containing palmitic and stearic acid. The same archaeologists discovered what they believed to be "curling tongs" next to the bodies. They imagine that these instruments were used to manipulate the hair while the gel was used to set it.

Well, chaps, there are so many other wonderful things I could tell you about the Egyptians. Jeez, I haven’t even mentioned perfume! Perfume was incredibly important (all Egyptian words for enjoyment include the nose hierolyph). But, alas, it would take me another 5000 years to do justice to more.

So I’m off to watch Stargate.

If there’s anything ugly about me, it’s my feet. I mean, OK, if there’s anything not DROP-DEAD insanely beautiful and mesermizing and glittery and magical about my body, it’s my feet.

I think its genetics. There must be a hobbit somewhere back in the Kreighbaum lineage. Kreeg-bawm just sounds like a troll, or at least a hole-dweller's surname, doesn’t it? I’ve never been OK with it until my intern told me that it sounds like a weird supermodel name. That was last night. I’ve started accepting my last name as of just last night.

So, yah, my troll feet. They’re wide and weird and completely calloused after a short lifetime of irresponsible parenting that left me running barefoot on way-too-effing-hot Texas concrete. The calluses on my big toes added millimeters to the width of my feet, like freaking benign TUMORS jutting out.

But other than that, and the occasional open sores that I paid Mr. Wang and the Sirs at Gucci Group an insane amount of money for, they’ve stayed pretty pretty compared to what they could look like, and what I've been trying to avoid as I enter adulthood.

I went to the same elementary school for six years and literally my only memory of my time spent there is my 6th grade teacher’s vom-inducing crackled heels. She wore mules and put her neon pink-clawed feet up on her desk while we worked, the jagged crevices staring the class in the face all like, “Look at them, children. LOOK AT THEM.”

Since then I’ve been doing lots of at-home pedicure-type stuff. Manicures, pedicures, waxing, etc.--I do most of this myself. Mostly because I’m better at them than almost every technician I’ve seen and even more mostly because I didn’t get invited to a lot of social gatherings during my adolescent years.

Excuse the hyperbole--it totally UNDERSCORES MY EXPERTISE on the issue--but I’ve tried, like, EVERY sort of pumice and foot exfoliator on the market. ON THE MARKET. That’s industry speak for whatever’s at Target or Duane Reed or that comes in one of those lame-ass “spa kits” that are sold in bulk in various shades of pastels at the mass chain retailers, so please don’t shove them on me, feigning an attempt at gifting.

I was convinced that none of them really made a difference. I mean, sure, they probably softened my already soft arch skin, but I’m pretty sure that my toe calluses were wearing away at the pumice instead of vice versa.

Then, on a whim (because it was purple), I bought a Mr. Pumice bar at Sally Beauty Supply on West Anderson Lane in Austin, Texas. It’s like taking industrial-strength sandpaper to your feet. Seriously, be careful, you can and will be able to scrub off your calluses entirely, revealing fresh, sensitive skin underneath. Maybe you’ll even draw blood! As with more beauty implements, that’s how you know it’s working.

I don't recommend using on dry feet, that would be rather uncomfortable. Wait until your skin has softened at the end of your shower, and then scrub away, washing any wet body dust and pumice crumbs down the drain. Do you like my dead plant? It means I'm not responsible enough for a pet.

Joooooking. For real, don’t scrub too hard because this thing will basically remove body parts. I like the two-sided bar; one side is next-level course for extra-gnarly callus removal. Although even the regular-level course side will get you better results than those lame-ass spongey-looking stone pumices, which will from now on be referred to as pretenders.

So get thee to Sally because, seriously, you’d have to think of a reason NOT to go to Sally, right? It’s the best place ever. And totally buy a Mr. Pumice bar. It’s less than a coffee and also most everything else that you buy.

As a certified lipstick addict, I have in my time amassed quite a collection of tubes. Ask my dude roommate; they’re taking over the house. There are lipsticks in the kitchen by my keys, lipsticks all over my bedroom, resting on a cute soap dish in the bathroom, and at least 10 in my bag. I always tell my mom when she complains about my habits, “Lipsticks are my cigarettes, OK?”

And while I have a few fancy brands like Armani, YSL and Tom Ford, I find that in general I’m reaching for Wet ‘n’ Wild or Revlon shades more often. I always enjoy a long leisurely stroll through the beauty aisles at Target, CVS or Walmart.

A $5 lipstick is a great pick-me-up. I just took my girlfriend with me on a “We hate men and are stressed out about life” shopping trip, and I left with some booty shorts, a new beachy hairspray, some shaving gel and bright blue mascara. Ideal.

With drugstore brands like CoverGirl now helmed by makeup geniuses such as Pat McGrath and formulas improving by the day, there’s no reason you can’t build a great basic lipstick wardrobe on the cheap. For the most part, these shades are universally flattering too. Plus, you can buy all of these and still spend less than you would on a Tom Ford color!

The Really Great Matte Red

The perfect red makes your eyes pop.

There are literally DOZENS (I made a Tobias joke!) of fab red lipsticks at the drugstore. I own most of them. I have no shame. My current favorite is e.l.f. Matte Lip Color in Rich Red. It’s similar to the NARS Velvet Matte crayons, but yeah, it’s $3. Don’t want to pay $15 for a MAC Ruby Woo? You could get five of these! Bonus: It tastes good.

The Bright Orange

It ALMOST matches my dress.

To my delight, Target has started stocking NYX. I LOVE NYX and now I can buy it alongside my groceries. Wins all around. They offer a great bright, summery orange called Indie Flick, which is an intense, slightly red-based tangerine.

The Hot & Sexy Pink

Hot pink lips = dorky smile.

According to my blue-red lipstick post, all of us adore Maybelline’s new Color Sensational Vivids line of insanely saturated satin lipsticks. I am admittedly not the hugest pink lipstick fan, but I found myself constantly grabbing Vivid Rose, a creamy bright pink. I love the soft sheen and long-lasting texture.

The “My Lips But Better” Shade

It’s like I’m not even wearing lip color! … Kinda.

Everyone needs a lip color that simply enhances and beautifies their existing lip hue. For me, that’s Revlon’s Lip Butter in Pink Truffle. It’s lightweight, slightly glossy, but not sticky, and the perfect natural mauve. When I’m not feelin’ lipsticky, I reach for this and feel instantly prettier and more pulled together.

The Vampy Berry

I tried really hard to look vampy while sweat poured down my dress.

Get Revlon Super Lustrous lipstick in Black Cherry immediately. It’s a cult classic! I like it both blotted off as a wine-drinking stain or slathered on thick and ‘90s dark. So vampy, so femme fatale. While I wear this most often in the colder months, there’s something unexpected about a dark lip in the middle of summer that’s exciting.

The Bardot Nude

Bardot would have approved of the shades, right?

Here I am again, going on and on about how much I love the Wet ‘n’ Wild Megalast matte lippies. UGH, THEY ARE JUST SO GOOD FOR $2! When I’m wearing my slutty smoky eye makeup, I like to go full Bardot with this fantastic nude shade. It’s ‘60s matte, but not chalky or lifeless, and it won’t suck all the moisture out of your lips. (Nobody likes a corpse mouth.)

Do you guys prefer expensive lipsticks or do you grab them at Target? Which are your favorites? What do you think constitutes a good basic lipstick wardrobe?

I worked on a TV show and one day I went to talk to our talented makeup artist, Kari, a feisty Northern Londoner who loved to use the C-word.

”Were you up all night drinking and crying?” she asked me. I wasn’t, but as I looked into her large mirror encased in blinding truth lights, I saw what she was seeing: puffy eyes, dark circles, a sallow complexion, and drained-looking skin.

“It’s the first day of my period,” I told her. She nodded, sat me down, and proceeded to transform me into a non-zombie human with BB cream, concealer, an air-brush foundation gizmo and brightening cream. Within five minutes, I went from haggard to pretty.

I felt like a brand new woman and later that day, I got my dream job, dream boyfriend and dream wardrobe. Those last three are lies, but my skin looked so flawless.

Whatever is going on inside my body tends to advertise itself on my face. I get a face rash from allergies, a puffy face if I consume too much alcohol or salt, and bags under my eyes if I don't sleep enough, or drink enough water, or if the cosmos aren’t aligned just so.

But nothing is worse than period face.

I’ve developed tactics to deal with it thanks to trail and error, makeup artist friends, and my natural proclivity toward witchy natural skin remedies.

Sudden changes in temperature aren’t reserved for menopausal women. When I have my period, I’m either too hot or too cold. All the time. And when I’m too hot, I get sweaty. And when I get sweaty, it happens on my forehead and above my upper lip. There’s no rosy-cheeked glow going on here--it’s straight up hatless farmer sweat.

It especially sucks if you’re wearing foundation because it’s all, “I’m melting!” and then it runs down your face, disappears, and leaves you feeling disgusting.

A few weeks ago, Marci and I were at the Artists & Fleas market in Williamsburg. It's a warehouse-type space with a lot of eclectic merchants selling their wares, a TON of people browsing, aaaaand no air conditioning. Within a couple minutes, our sweat glands began to stage a revolt against the sweltering room.

Then, like the porcelain Victorian beauty she is, Marci produces a fan from her purse and begins waving it in her face all classy like. It was brilliant. It dawned on me that fans are the graceful solution to my menses sweats. Those neon, motorized mini fans aren't as classy, but they work, too. (Marci also spotted Lenny Kravtiz that day, so she's my hero forever.)

Face mists feel SO GOOD to use during that delicate time right before and during your period. Annie’s rolling-papers-as-blotting-papers trick is another antidote to surprise period sweats. Blotting away my monthly "glow" makes me feel like I’m removing toxic sweat from my pores without actually washing my face. And it makes me look a bit better, too. I guess.

A bonus is that you have rolling papers handy in case you want to smoke. Lucifer knows you need one right now, because if you're like me, you're also broken out, retaining water, and in a manic, emotionally fickle mood that you can't control.

Ways to deal. Where the hell is my chocolate?

When I’m in this sorry, crampy, bloated, sweaty state, I don’t like to wear makeup. Or talk to people. Or go outside. But if you want/need to look really good for some reason and your period skin is like, “I look like you feel, biatch,” you might want to think about putting it in its place with an airbrush-finish foundation.

Kari, my makeup artist pal, had a hardcore, air-powered, plug-in machine situation that distributed itself evenly on my face like sweet kisses from the foundation fairy. It probably costs a bazillion dollars. For us plebeians, there’s Sephora’s Instant Airbrush Foundation, which you spray on for that flawless look. (Unfortunately, it only comes in a three colors. Come on Sephora!

The idea of using airbrush foundation for an outdoor summer function during menstration is actually making my skin itch right now, so if that’s your sitch, there are other options.

A light, powder based foundation like bareMinerals Original Foundation gives great coverage, contains SPF, and feels so light that you don’t notice you’re wearing anything. Like Hanky Panky panties for your face!

You could also apply your favorite light foundation (mine is NARS Sheer Glow) with a foundation brush to achieve skin perfection. Tarte Airbrush Finish Bamboo Foundation Brush is amazing for this.

A good, DIY natural mask for period skin is my Nonna's refreshing and soothing yogurt mask. Put it on cold from the fridge and relax as it does its thang.

My hair is extra greasy during my monthly. The whole experience sort feels like your body's trying to expel all the gross stuff, all at once, from everywhere.

There's no pretending that Pssssst! isn't a sweaty scalp savior.

I don't like to wash my hair every day, so I rely on dry shampoos to deliver me from the evils of a greasy scalp. Pssssst! works great, smells pretty like grown up baby power and the bottle is retro and adorable. I spray it at the roots, wait a few minutes and either brush or shake it out.

My undereyes resemble Gollum's during those four to seven days when my uterine lining rips off and bloodily escapes my body via my vajayjay. Too much? My face looks downright drained. Because it is sort of being drained, right? Ugh.

My period spirit animal.

If my eyes are super puffy, I stay cool as a cucumber by putting... cool cucumber slices over them. It helps to perk your eyes up and reduces swelling. Doing this feels nice in combination with the aforementioned yogurt mask. Another option is to tea bag it by covering your peepers with cold, wet, caffeinated tea bags. For the undereye darkness, I use Korres’ Wild Rose Instant Brightening Eye Treatment during the day, which actually does exactly what the name says. Hooray!

I’m a devotee of MAC's Studio Finish Concealer to cover my dark circles and other unflattering face incidentals, but I recently discovered Benefit’s High Beam brightener. I love it because it’s shiny and pinkish and offsets the purpley-greenish hue of my undereyes.

Increasing your water consumption will only do good things for you at this point in your life, so try to, my little doves. (Sorry, I've recently become obsessed with Game Of Thrones. Doesn't Annie look like a grown up Arya Stark? And why does everyone keep dying? It's ruining my life.)

Pampering of all sorts is needed around period time. Luxurious baths, long naps, reality TV marathons, chocolate binges, crying at car commercials, do it all and do it well. You deserve it.

Of course, there's a totally different route to go when period face strikes: disguise.

My brilliant disguise.

Hats, large sunglasses and scarves are all great face masking techniques that make you look like a hot, mysterious lady of the Carmen Sandiego variety while hiding the horrors of the monthly curse (or the monthly blessing, cuz you ain’t pregnant girlfriend!!! High fives all around).

Zits, you guys. Ugh.

I had perpetually broken-out skin in high school. I remember it being far worse than pictures seem to have captured. I went on birth control two years before I lost my virginity (what ever happened to Matt Pietras?) just to get it under control, and it didn't even do that good of a job of making it somewhat bearable until I was in college.

But it was in middle school that I got my first big-ass zit (not to be confused with a big ass zit--no hyphen--which happened a few years later), and it was captured on film:

Being 12 in 1991 meant wearing polka-dot headbands and 7Up Cool Spot t-shirts, even if you didn't drink soda.

There it is, right in the middle of my cheek.

No big deal, right? Everyone gets zits in middle school, right? Well, not everyone's last name was Zitner.

I genuinely don't remember freaking out about it until someone started taunting me with the name thing. I was already teased for being a nerd, so mean kids would just add a D to the end of my name, and I'd be ZITNERD. Good times.

So, how about you? Today's QQ: When did you get your first zit? How did you react? Is your last name Pimplestein?

I am the worst at making decisions.

My boyfriend especially can vouch for how annoying it is; I make the waitress stand there for ages as I frantically switch between two different drink orders, and I’m always late meeting him because I couldn’t decide what to wear. It’s so bad that I often force myself to prepare beforehand, making mental pros and cons lists while driving to a restaurant or the grocery store, researching a $10 mascara for days before buying it... You get the idea.

As you can probably imagine, this makes my monthly trip to the drugstore to buy makeup (really it’s to pick up my prescription, but I use that as an excuse for cheap makeup) an agonizing ordeal. I’ve definitely spent an hour standing in the aisles of CVS contemplating different foundations while my stomach ties itself into knots and my brain screams “IT’S NOT A BIG DEAL. IT’S ONLY MAKEUP. JUST PICK ONE.”

If this happens to you, too, then you understand. If not, then I’m probably coming off as pretty crazy right now. Luckily, there is a silver lining in being the most indecisive person on the planet. Sometimes, just to cut myself a break or to hasten the process along so I can get out of there and go pee, I’ll allow myself to forego decision-making altogether and just get one of each. Why not? It’s drugstore makeup, so it’s cheap!

What the hell, I’ll charge it

That’s what happened earlier this week when I was trying to decide which Wet ‘n’ Wild MegaLiner liquid eyeliner to get. Inspired by Hannah’s cobalt blue cat eye, I wanted to try something similar. They had an indigo blue eyeliner, but then my eye was caught by the other colors sitting next to it.

In addition to the blue and basic black, they also had purple and a pretty green that they were deludedly calling turquoise. Once I realized that it was going to take me all day to decide between them, I sighed and snatched up both the green and blue. I left the purple behind for another day--I draw the line at three colored eyeliners.

Be honest, you wouldn’t have been able to make this decision either.

Once home, I did what any reasonable person would do: drew the green on one eyelid and the blue on the other. It was just for comparison but I actually kind of liked it: a David Bowie look for those of not lucky enough to have heterochromia.

Still, deep in my heart, I knew I would never actually wear that out of my house. So I easily transformed it into a more normal but still really cool look that’s especially fun for wearing out at night: a blue and green eyeliner COMBO.

This is going to be a big hit at my usual dive bar tonight.

The green is what really makes this work; like most people with blue eyes, I’m averse to wearing blue eye makeup but I DO want to bring out the green in my eyes. It also helps make the look really nice on people with brown or hazel eyes.

It does sort of bring out the colors in my eyes, right?

Want to see how I did it? Watch my very first, slightly awkward xoVain video!

As I mentioned in the video (or tried to, before I forgot what it was called), this Wet ‘n’ Wild liner is somehow really idiot-proof. The green goes on very thick and smooth with a pretty shimmer; the blue is thinner so it may take two coats, but I’ve never had an easier time doing a cat eye.

So don’t be afraid to try this out, although maybe not with bright yellow nails and a hot pink lip. That might be too much, but I wasn’t really thinking. Whoops. Do as I say, not as I do, right?

OK, I’m off to show my boyfriend how freaking COLORFUL my face is now. (He’s probably just going to ask me why I can never making a decision.) Let me know if you like this look and if you try it yourself, add a picture in the comments!

A disproportionate amount of my makeup adventures begin with needing something specific for cosplay, I’m finding. This particular journey was no different: it began with an image, the threat of unforgiving camera lenses, and curiosity.

I made the rather ambitious decision to construct Clair Hummel’s Snow White of her Historically Accurate Disney Princess fame, and ran into a stumbling block. I, with my exactly-the-same-shade-as-Ghirardelli-cocoa-powder colored skin, am decidedly not white.

The cosplay community was never overwhelmingly forgiving to us cocoa-powder-colored cosplayers, and I feared that they would be even less so to one who had the gall to dress as a much-beloved character renown for her luminescent, pale beauty.

By contrast, I wanted to be as brown, chocolatey and sun-kissed as possible. Making sure that I looked hyper-feminine enough for both Snow White’s character and cameras would require something that I heretofore had no experience with whatsoever: actual, real makeup.

I knew already that I would have no luck perusing the beige aisles of CVS and Walgreens, so I made my way to Sephora. Armed only with my copy of Face Forward and the knowledge that MAC cosmetics made me look pale and orange, I walked in, loudly professed my complete ignorance to the first salesperson I could find, and was directed to Asia, the consultant who would help me along my journey.

Walking me through the process that I would later repeatedly screw up with horrifying consequences, she showed me the basics of facial contouring: highlighting the areas that you would like more pronounced, while shading areas that you would like to recede. The contrast between the highlights and shading helps accentuate existing bone structure or, in the hands of a seasoned professional, completely restructure the face entirely.

Asia hooked me up.

Other salespeople walked by and remarked about how radiant she made me look. I felt empowered. I could do this.

I left Sephora that day with a bag full of quality products, a mind that immediately forgets basically everything it’s presented with, and the somewhat foolish notion that it would take no effort at all to recreate the gorgeous look that Asia gave me that day. Bundling all of these things, I went to con and made myself as pretty as I could manage without professional, practiced guidance.

In trying to recreate my process step by step, however, I made a few terrible mistakes that resulted in horrifying consequences. I’m going to take one for the team and walk you all through this embarrassing process, so that none of you repeat my folly.

Bobbi Brown Foundation Sticks in Chestnut and Warm Walnut; Makeup For Ever 5 Camouflage Cream Palette no. 4 and HD Microfinish Powder; Sephora Colorful Blush in Fuchsia Flash, Revlon Super Lustrous lipstick in Fire and Ice and Colorstay Lipliner in Plum; and Benefit Cosmetics Fakeup 02 concealer.

DARKER FOUNDATION

Most people--but especially brown people-–have varying skin tones in their face. To keep from flattening everything out, multiple shades of brown are used throughout the face to emphasize the structure that’s there. In this picture, I’ve used the Bobbi Brown foundation stick in Chestnut on my jaw and forehead, which I then blended with my finger.

HIGHTLIGHTING FOUNDATION

Now comes the lighter foundation, which both blends with the lighter shades of my face and adds subtle highlights to the areas I apply it. I also blended that in with--you guessed it--my finger. I’ll go into my choice of tools and what that means for the end result later.

I should have stopped here. I so, so should have stopped here.

…EVEN LIGHTER FOUNDATION?

At this point, if you’d like to further contour your face, a brighter highlighting color is needed. The key here is to use it as a highlight, and use it somewhat sparingly. Don’t treat it the same way you treated the lighter foundation.

The glory before the fall.

If you want to know what too much damn highlighter looks like, though, it looks like this:

I then blended it with the highest quality brush available! Just kidding, I used my finger.

…Lord above.

SETTING POWDER

This most important of steps ended in spectacular failure, and set the foundation upon which the look would ultimately rest. Haha, puns.

Anyhow, setting powder seals your oil-based makeup against smudging, and, when applied correctly, gives a lovely, skin-matte finish that is perfect for photography.

I realized a moment too late that I had borrowed a friend’s powder brush at the convention to apply my setting powder, and didn’t have one of my own. Knowing that this was one area where my trusty finger wouldn’t excel, I decided to use an unused fan brush I had lying around and see how that faired. It’s a brush, right? That’s at least better than my finger, right?

WRONG. OH DEAR GOD.

The powder went on super unevenly, and I looked an ashy, hot-ass mess. When using setting powder, make sure you have a voluminous, poofy kabuki brush, or a poofy painting equivalent. Fingers and non-poofy makeup or paintbrushes need not apply.

BLUSH

My fan brush fails me yet again, and I apply far too much blush as a result. Evening it out with the fan brush was miserable and pointless, and I wound up looking like a small child that got into her mother’s makeup box.

It just manages to keep getting worse.

LIPS

Finally, something I can’t screw up! This was the only thing that turned out pretty OK.

I lined my lips with a dark red liner (this one being Revlon Colorstay Lipliner in Plum), completely filling in my upper lip. When going for a two-toned lip, making the upper lip slightly darker mimics natural shadows and adds a bit of depth.

From there, I added Revlon Super Lustrous lipstick in Fire and Ice to the bottom lip, and sparingly to the top lip.

My epic journey complete, I headed back with Laura to look at the pictures before and after this makeover. They were startling, and not at all in a good way.

Before.

AUGH.

Asia, if she is reading this, is probably weeping into her hands right now. I’m so sorry.

There are lessons that I absolutely need to impress on anyone who hasn’t run screaming in terror from their computers upon seeing that last image:

Make sure that you use the appropriate brushes for your varying materials. While a finger or sponge can work decently well for blending foundation, having tools specifically designed for powder and foundation definitely won’t hurt.
Do not slather half of your face in highlighter. If you need an explanation for why it’s a bad idea, scroll up.
Study from the greats, and move slowly. If you have a book like Face Forward, it’s a good idea to actually reference it instead of keeping it open next to you while deciding on your own to skip steps or play it by ear. The results aren’t cute.

Whatever, though. Practice makes perfect!

Have any of you tried facial contouring?

Like many girls, I've been a fan of Audrey Hepburn from a pretty young age. Her poised, graceful way of carrying herself-- learned from years of ballet training--her carefree and classic style, and her charming, talented performances on the big screen are all many of the reasons why moviegoers have fallen for her helplessly over the decades.

My admiration was solidified as a teen when I devoured biographies about her and learned of her years selflessly devoting herself to children's charities, such as UNICEF, and the humble, loving demeanor that she maintained throughout her life.

While she is obviously a style icon, she is also an idol of mine for proving that you can create lasting works of art while still devoting yourself to causes that you care for; that you can be a star and be kind, modest, private and giving; and that it is possible to balance all of "it"--whatever "it" may be to you.

Her childhood spent nearly starving to death in Holland during WWII, her years spent battling depression as she suffered multiple miscarriages and two failed marriages--all of these painful events shaped her rather than stinted her. She proved that you can fight through the tough stuff and come out on top without pushing anyone else out of the way to get what you want.

If there's one thing I can say I've learned from her, it's to treat others how you want to be treated, plain and simple.

Like my new (to me) hat?

But hey, this is a beauty site, and we all know how lovely and beautiful Audrey was, so I'm here to devote an article to her look.

I've chosen to focus in on the style she wore in the early '50s, around the times that Roman Holiday and Sabrina were released, and Audrey become a household name with her fresh, near-androgynous style, cropped hair, and wide, toothy grin.

Just check out her screen test for Roman Holiday below, where she strolls in, hands in the pockets of her cigarette trousers, neck adorned with a cute little bow tie, and quietly remembers her childhood to the interviewer. I can't help but find her beguiling.

For the look, I'm doing matte and sculpted skin, bold, angular brows, defined eyes, and bright, poppy-red lips. Let's get started!

The products I used to morph my face.

SKIN

For my base, which is pretty red and slightly broken out right now, I used my current favourite, Kevyn Aucoin Sensual Skin Enhancer in SX01 to even everything out. I patted it on very gently with my finger tips, starting at my nose and moving outward, and kept "stippling" with my fingers until my skin was even-toned and porcelain-looking.

In the '50s, skin was heavily powdered and matte, but I used only a light dusting of Lush Emotional Brilliance powder to set.

Audrey's nose is thinner than mine, so with my pinkie, I lightly dabbed Lush Charisma Skin Tint down the sides of my bridge, and then added the tiniest bit of Benefit High Beam to the centre to give the illusion of a narrower nose.

I also used Charisma to shape my cheeks, which are already quite round. Audrey and I both have heart-shaped faces, so I further accentuated that by smiling and then dabbing the Charisma on to the darkest spots of my apples to really shape them. A final light dusting of Emotional Brilliance made sure the lines stayed soft and diffused and that I didn't look like an overly contoured weirdo.

Hey guys!

BROWS

Audrey's brows were gorgeous and frequently filled in and shaped to epic proportions. Their style changed throughout the years, but they were always quite full and dark, and when she first burst onto the scene they were at their most angular.

I used Clarins Pro-Palette Eyebrow Kit and chose the darkest shade to create my outline, using the included angled brush. Below is a photo that shows my starting shape, which is fairly geometric and slightly larger than my own natural outline, with a sharply defined point at the arch.

Audrey on the set of "Sabrina", by photographer Mark Shaw, and the outline of my brows.

I then filled in the shape with more brow powder until I had created the look I wanted, and finally sealed it with the wax and spoolie brush that came with the set.

The final effect.

EYES

Audrey's eyes were big and doe-like; brown with slight flecks of green and gold; and long, looong lashes. She had large eyelids with deep creases and frequently lined her entire upper lid with black liner to make her eyes look even bigger.

I chose to use two neutral shades to shape and enlarge my eyes, both from The Balm's Nude 'Tude palette, which is cruelty-free.

Top, Sultry, bottom Sleek, both from the Balm Nude 'Tude palette.

I used a fluffy brush to cover my entire lid and up into the crease with Sultry, a medium-to-light caramel-beige, and then used a crease brush to apply Sleek, a medium-to-dark chocolate brown. Then I took an angled liner brush, dampened it slightly with water, and used it to create a base line (still with Sleek) along my entire upper lashline. I then lined the outer two-thirds of my lower lashline with the same method.

From top: step 1, closed; step two, closed and open.

To brighten my eyes even more, I used Lancome Le Crayon Khol in Blanc along the very top of my browbone to "lift" my brows, and also along the waterline for a wide-eyed effect. I then used Essence Stays No Matter What Waterproof Eyeliner Pen along my entire upper lashline, going over the line I had previously made with the dark brown eyeshadow. I like this pen because it's cheap, precise, and it really doesn't smudge.

For long, thick lashes, I used Benefit They're Real after using an eyelash curler. Audrey's makeup artist would separate her lashes individually with a safety pin after applying mascara, but that seems a bit too dangerous to recommend, so instead I used a fine-tooth metal lash comb. The exact one I used is not available online, but this one from Tweezerman is a super-fancy option.

I applied one coat of mascara, combed through, cleaned the comb, applied ANOTHER coat, and repeated.

The white pencil, liquid liner, and mascara shown on closed and open eyes.

LIPS

In the '50s, lips were frequently overlined from their natural shape to create an exaggerated, wide-mouthed look. Audrey's mouth was already quite wide, but her lips during that time were frequently extended at the edges and rounded and enlarged on the top lip and around the cupid's bow.

I used a nude lip pencil from Joe Fresh (available in Joe Fresh stores but not online) to create my starting shape, filling around my own natural lipline and widening the look of my top lip. I added a bit more of the white pencil around my cupid's bow for a clean line, and then, taking a lip brush, I began applying FACE Stockholm Lipstick in Evita, a bright, matte, poppy red, over the outline and over my lips. I blotted and then applied another coat for lasting, rich colour.

Ta-da!

That's it! Now, let's chat. What's your favourite Audrey role? What other retro beauties would you like to see on here? I'm all ears (or, er ... eyes).

No, this isn't earth-shattering, mind-blowing, panty-wetting. But the two great things about this hair style are that a) you can do it, I promise and b) it stays put.

Remember my migrating ponytail discussion? If I put my hair up in any sort of concentrated mass, the weight of the 20+ inches of my golden angel threads causes lots of shifting across my head dome, and in the case of any bun action, it will eventually fall out.

So, I'm pretty sure that one of Newton's laws of gravitational pull totally supports my theory that if I split said mass into two or more sections, gravity will have a harder time ruining my hair and causing insufferable neck heat. Does that make sense?

Plus I tried this IRL and it works charmingly. Just wear two buns instead of one! MITOSIS! Also, if you refer to Stefani's Law of Attractiveness, multiple buns are ALWAYS cuter than a singular bun. Top knots are like the prude older cousins that you're forced to hang out with whenever you have to visit with your extended family to what we're about to create. (NOT talking about Crystal, my most favorite cousin ever and the responsible temper to my role model pool which also included a whole gang of slutty nannies.)

Here's a detailed **PhOtO gUiDe**

Start by sectioning off the top half of your head as if you're going to go for one of those half-up-half-down looks. I like a deep side part for this, but I'll leave part placement up to you. Gently twist the length around, keep twisting until you form a little bun, slightly off to the side.

Secure your messy little twist bun with a couple of bobby pins.

Make another twist bun with the leftover hair beneath, and position it slightly to the side of your first bun. Secure this with bobby pins.

The end look is way more secure than a singular bun and infinitely more adorable/interesting/awesome. And honestly, why stop at two? You could do an entire CLUSTER of twist buns, like you had an outbreak of cuteness.

And from the front, it's all business profeshunle. Except for that slutty little '90s "face-framing" layer that you should totally let dangle.

Do you like my new glitter fuzz top? It makes me feel like an extra in the club scene from Black Swan.

A few weeks ago, I went to the xoVain offices to get some photos taken. I went pretty late, so when I was leaving, Marci and Annie were leaving, too. I walked down with them, and on our way downstairs, I found out that Marci lived in the same neighborhood as me (kind of--she lives in the nicer part), so we headed to the subway together.

(Also, side note, as if you guys already didn’t know this, but Marci and Annie are the kewlest.)

As we were walking to the subway, we passed a beauty salon and I said “Ahh have you ever been there? I’ve walked past it a million times and never gone.” And Marci said, “No, what is it?” And then I told her about what was either the greatest or worst business idea ever.

“It’s a salon that’s open 24 hours and you can go get a manicure or pedicure or whatever you want, whenever you want.” And then Marci laughed and said, “You totally need to go at 1 a.m. and write about it.”

Done.

Last weekend, I went to some girl’s party in my apartment building. After standing around for a while talking to people I didn’t know and pretending to care about their conversations, I decided my feet hurt and I wanted a pedicure.

I had downed a few glasses of sangria at that point, so it didn’t bother me that I would have to take an hour trip into Manhattan to the salon because the R line is messed up. (Seriously what is the deal with the R line? Do you read xoVain, MTA? Help!)

Me waiting on the subway platform next to a sign that describes me.

When I finally got to Hair Party 24 Hours (yes, that’s what it’s called), it was around 1:30 a.m. I walked right in and told them I wanted the express pedicure. One of the two women there told me that they didn’t do express pedicures this late in the night, but they would do the one that costs a lot more money. No way. Not while drunk. If I’m going to pay $50 for a pedicure, I want to remember that calf massage and salt scrub.

I opted for the express manicure instead. If I were drunker, I probably would have said yes to the pedi because there’s something about being wasted and not caring where your money goes.

When I sat down in the chair, I showed her my fingers, and she said extremely loud “OH YOU HAVE NO NAILS.” Ugh! Duh! I know, I bite my nails, sometimes to the point of blood, and they aren’t in the best shape. I’ve tried almost everything short of hypnosis to get myself to stop biting them and none of it has worked. I don’t need to be reminded by the manicurist that I have hideous hands. I’m reminded every time I see cool nail art I can’t do. Even though my nails are super short, I would still like the cuticles to be pretty and all the gross stuff around the nails clipped off.

After shaming my stubs, she was actually really nice. She asked me what I was doing after my manicure, probably expecting a really exciting answer, but instead I said, “Going home. I’m tired.”

Too many choices for a drunkard like me.

I picked out a neon pink because it was the brightest, summeriest color they had.

Now, this is why this lady deserves to be called a pro. Every time I paint my short nails, it gets all over the skin and looks uneven and disgusting. But she made my nails look gorgeous, and that’s not just the alcohol talking.

I was really impressed, but also sad now because I’ve almost chewed all the polish off. I don’t know if I would do this again unless I went with my friends AFTER the bars closed and we wanted something else to do. But just being there at 1 a.m. all alone was kind of depressing, and I think people were giving me weird looks through the window? I thought I would be a lot more rowdy and laugh-y during the whole process, but the fact that I was one of four people in the fluorescently lit salon just made me extremely sleepy.

When I went to pay, they tacked on an extra five dollars for “late night,” so with tip the whole manicure cost me $25. I’ve definitely gotten cheaper manicures in Manhattan before (think $7), but many salons aren’t open outside of normal work hours, so unless you want to skip work for a manicure or get one on the weekends, this could be a good option for you but you’re going to pay for it.

Also at the very end the manicurist said, “I did my best.” Which struck me as odd, but I was too tired to deal.

It looks pretty though right?

My buzz had totally worn off by the time I left, but I couldn’t stop looking at my nails the whole train ride home. They were just too fab.

Have you ever gotten a beauty treatment done after-hours? Ever gotten one while drunk? How can I quit biting my nails?!

Marc Jacobs is my favorite designer. Sorrynotsorry for being a cliché. The single most expensive piece of clothing I've ever purchased was a Marc by Marc Jacobs cardigan--not even something from the high-end line!

His perfumes, however, have yet to speak to me on the same level as his clothing. They've all been pretty great--just not "me."

His latest is Honey, which I was kind of hoping would smell like straight-up honey; but this is coming from the man who has a fragrance called Daisy, a flower that doesn't have a scent.

I thought it would be cute to photograph the perfume in the office fridge because, you know, honey; but then Annie was like "Honey doesn't go in the fridge." She teaches me something every day.

Honey is one of the notes, as is honeysuckle, but you get much more peach, pear and orange blossom. Once it's actually on your skin, a few of the warmer notes, like vanilla and "smooth woods," come through subtly.

I do like it, but I don't think it'll become my go-to fragrance the way his deeply discounted outlet and Gilt finds have become my go-to clothing.

In fact, the other day, I was crossing the street next to someone who was most definitely wearing Michael Kors--I don't own a single item of clothing or accessory by him--which I wore years ago, and I fell in love with it all over again. Maybe it's time to revisit it.

How about you? Quick Question: What's your favorite designer fragrance? Do you like clothing by the same designer?

Alexa Chung divulges five unlikely hair lessons in an interview; one of them is, "I'll only wear a topknot with lipstick. Without lipstick on, you're just looking at the topknot." Marci told me she agrees with this sentiment 100%, and I guess I get it. Lipstick makes a topknot less topknotty. [The Cut]

Lipstick + Topknot!

Red eyeshadow! This is not a drill. [Refinery29]

If you're into getting fancy blowouts at Blow and Dreamdry and all those great places, Popsugar Beauty's tips for making your blowout last longer are a must-read.

These. Are. Incredible. DIY Chevron nails using tape! [Makeup.com]

In middle school, I used to hit up Walgreen's after getting paid (babysitting) and see what new, cool beauty products I could get for my $20. Of course, I know I'm not alone in loving this sort of thing -- Annie does it every week and writes about for this very website. Check out this round-up of 14 brand new drugstore products. I gave Covergirl's Clean Whipped Creme Foundation a go. It's sheer, but blurs away imperfections in a really satisfying way. [BeautyBlitz]

The two shades of Cover Girl Clean Whipped Creme I used on my face in the topknot photo above are 350 and 325. Also pictured: cute little erasers and other guys live on my desk.

Found something beauty-related on the internet that you think should end up here? Tweet at me @madelinelou or email me, madeline@xojane.com.

I have an addictive personality. Not in the sense that people are easily addicted to my personality (they are, of course, but that’s not the point of this article); it’s that I get obsessive over things I enjoy.

Once, I went eight months eating Tom Yum seafood soup for lunch every day from one single spot, and after that I haven’t gone back once. And then there was that time I felt so fat I would only wear one tunic top that I had everyday for a month. I would wear it, come home, hand wash and dry it so I can wear it the next day.

My addictive personality has somewhat subsided as I got older, but a little part of it remains in the form of my love for fragrances. From the first time I started owning my own perfumes at 17 instead of swiping them from my mother, I never had more than one scent in my possession. I’d buy that scent continuously until I stopped, and then the cycle continued with the next. So different scents remind me of different times of my life.

And then there are people who have found their signature scents, or somehow managed to stick to one perfume in the time that I’ve known then, so whenever I get a whiff of their scent somewhere, I get a sense of deja vu.

Escada Island Kiss

One time, when I was 17, we decided to wear PJs to school. It was a very comfortable day.

Island Kiss was the first perfume I received in a swag bag when I was interning at a fashion magazine when I was 17, and I continued buying it for at least two years. It’s sweet, fruity with floral undertones and it was relaunched last year as part Escada’s Best of 20 Years of Summer Fragrances campaign.

A whiff of the fragrance reminded me of a life long gone. Times when it bothered me when people give me the once-over at fashion events, or times when I’d doubt myself several times over when it comes to pitching ideas at work. Of course, those were also times when I could pull off multiple all-nighters and not even have eye bags to show for them. I may have smelled like a baby prostitute, but man, did I have youth on my side.

Acqua Di Parma Colonia

I had a massive crush on an art director I worked with, and Colonia, mixed with his Marlboros, was super-sexy to me.

He was tall, suave and clothes hung on him like a hundred tiny angels bathed and dressed him in the morning and doused him with Colonia so gently and effortlessly that it seems like the smell radiated from his pores. It’s a scent that oozes severe man sexiness that feels out of my league but makes me desperately want it even more.

Paul Smith Extreme

My boyfriend wears this fragrance, and only this fragrance since I introduced it to him. It’s mostly for a selfish reason because I loved Extreme so much when I first sprayed it on the inside of my wrist at a Paul Smith boutique years ago, and I knew it’d be an instant knicker dropper.

Extreme stays on for long, and it smells even better when all that testosterone gets mixed with the notes of the cologne. Seriously the best cologne on any man.

Jasmine

My mom, on Day 2 of my life.

My mother is a hardcore believer of using alcohol-free fragrances and products, and thus, she uses alcohol-free essential oils as a perfume.

Her scent is jasmine, and I’m pretty sure she sweats jasmine oil after having used it for so long. It’s nice, though; no matter where I am in the world, a whiff of jasmine takes me to the sweet comforts of home.

Penhaligon's LP No. 9 is a sexy purple liquid! I LOVE IT.

Right now, my scent is Penhaligon’s LP No. 9 for women. I’m pretty certain it’s my signature scent, but who knows? Maybe in time a whiff of Penhaligon’s will remind me of this pretty awesome period in life that I’m currently living in.

Do scents remind you of people, or times of your life too? What are they?

My apartment building provides only one spot in the carport for my unit, which means I park on the street. It’s not so bad, if you discount those annoying flyers that local businesses like to stick on cars. Except one rainy night, there was nowhere close by to park.

The next morning, I had to walk blocks to my car, where a local business had left an annoying flyer, which the rain had glued onto my not-even-clean car’s door handle. It was a perfect storm of trivial proportions. In my slightly inconvenienced RAGE, I yanked the damp flyer, threw it on the ground, and sped off.

About a block later, I realized in horror that I had just littered for the second time EVER. The first was in third grade when my rebellious friend dared me to drop my empty bag of potato chips in the playground. I caved to the pressure, but I eventually snuck back and threw away the offending bag behind my enabler’s back. Well, just as I had done in third grade, I drove back to the scene of the crime to atone for my sins. Instead, I discovered that the trash, along with my upstanding morals, had blown away.

Yep. I am a square. You won’t find me in any mug shots, nor will you hear anyone describe me as cool. I’m a dork, a goody two shoes, as straight as they come. But unlike my personality, I hardly ever wear my hair straight.

Why thanks, I thought it was a great segue, too.

I have naturally straight and fine hair. But, perhaps influenced by beachy SoCal living or the fact that my round face is accentuated by limp, volume-less hair, I like to keep it slightly wavy. If I ever get over my fear of unhealthy hair, I may one day perm it. But for now, I take waves into my own hands (and my boyfriends! He can’t resist these luscious locks).

I’m accident-prone, so I don’t bother with curling irons, and rollers are way too much work. For me, minimal effort combined with patience equals the perfect beachy waves. And if I can do it, so you can you!

What you’ll need:

Your hair. Or a friend’s. Or a horse’s. Whatever, that’s your prerogative.
Water
Seasalt spray or some kind of texturizing product (optional)
Something to keep your hair in a bun like these AMAZING Goody Spin Pins. Seriously. They’re weird-looking, but they stay secure despite any weird dance moves or emphatic body language I throw their way.
Time
Slow motion video camera

That disgusting chunk of hair came from my vacuum cleaner belt because OH GOD I CAN’T STOP SHEDDING.

SPRAY

In order to create long-lasting waves, you’ll want to start with barely damp hair. Really, your hair should be almost as dry as your even-more-boring-than-me cousin’s wedding. You can either air or blow dry your hair after you shower, or if you’re dirty and didn’t wash your hair like me, spray your already dry hair with a little water.

Well hello, bra!

Pamela Anderson is running towards you, concern written all over her face and cleavage. Her sun-kissed, wavy blonde locks dance behind her as she frowns at your own limp hair. Hey, what’s that in her hand? Why it’s seasalt spray to the rescue!

I have a wild imagination. Like dreaming I have naturally textured and voluminous hair. But I don’t, so I rely on products like Bumble and bumble Surf Spray to create magic. Also, I’m too lazy to blow out my hair for volume.

Once your hair has reached that perfect blend of almost dry and barely damp, spritz it a few times with some kind of texturizing spray and scrunch up yo’ sexy hair. Or don’t. I don’t give a f*ck.

Actually, I do. Please read on.

THE BUN

I don’t put a lot of pressure on myself to create the perfect bun. McDonalds obviously doesn’t give a crap, and they’re killing it.

Needless to say, I don’t bother to brush my hair back or deal with hair bands or bobby pins--more on that later. Plus, we’re talking beach waves, not Grace Kelly chignon (the pronunciation of which still eludes almost-30-year-old me). So, just use your good old hands to pull your hair back and twist into a bun.

Where you want your waves to begin will dictate how high to secure your bun. I like my waves to start at the mid to lower half of my hair, which is why I usually place my bun at the nape of my neck or closer to the top (but not quite a top knot) of my head.

I avoid the area smack dab in the middle because, well, personal preference I suppose, but I think it makes me look funny. Of course, we all have our own weird issues. If bun-placement insecurity is not one of yours, by all means, place that bun wherever you want!

Side bun?

Once you’ve decided where you want your bun/where you want your waves to begin, take your hair and twist it at your placement of choice. When there is an inch left at the end, fold that portion of hair back in the opposite direction, and tuck in the ends.

If your hair is long enough, you can fold that last bit of hair, twice. This makes it so the ends of your hair get a nice curl to it, as well.

Or, if you prefer the ends of your hair to be straight, then don’t fold back your hair at all. You have so many options!

If you’re trying the Goody Spin Pins, spin the first pin from where the loose end of your bun is, to ensure your bun stays secure. Then, twist in the second screw opposite the first one, being careful not to interlock the two pins.

So about those bobby pins. If you prefer to use bobby pins, be careful. My hair is heavy enough that bobby pins can’t sustain it without the support of an elastic-secured ponytail. But using a hairband creases my hair, which is why I forgo them altogether. You’ll have to experiment with your own hair, and make that call yourself. You can try out different hair-securing accessories, too, while you’re at it. Other viable options include a big hair clip, a hair claw, or magic.

Now, you wait.

AND WAIT

I happen to work in a pretty hectic work environment where I literally run around, and it helps to have my hair tied up. So I do. For at least a couple of hours, though preferably longer. The longer I leave my hair in the bun, the wavier it will be, and the longer those waves will last.

Once your hair has had time to set for a few hours, simply untwist your screws. And voila!

This is after about an hour and a half.

My hair feels right at home in the Santa Monica sunset.

CAPTIVATE

Now this is VERY IMPORTANT. Shake your head back and forth until your hair comes loose. Don’t be afraid to use your hands to fluff up that hair. Bonus advanced level move: bend over and slowly toss your hair back. Super slow mo. You won’t look like an idiot. Trust.

And there you have it. It’s the perfect no-fuss solution for “work to hot date at night” hair. Or, if you’re like me, “work to take out and book in my pajamas with a glass of milk” hair.

My hair feels right at home in the Santa Monica sunset.

This is not a touching beauty-crush tutorial. It is a story of my beauty evolution. (“Beauty evolution” is always read with your tongue firmly planted in your cheek, by the way.)

I have been nudged out of my comfort zone courtesy of Ms. Belinda Carlisle and her tiny stiletto heels, but we’re not going to replicate her exact look.

Back in the early '80s, I lived with my mother in small-town South Carolina and visited my father about twice a year in Norfolk, Virgina. To me, Norfolk was a sprawling northern metropolis. There were OFFICE BUILDINGS and it SNOWED sometimes! Also, my dad had CABLE. I’m talkin’ bright lights, big city stuff.

The first time I saw the video for “Our Lips are Sealed,” I thought that The Go-Go’s were splashing around in a fountain at a shopping center in Norfolk called Wards Corner because: what and where’s Los Angeles?

Much like that bumpkin from South Cackalackey, I am a bit simple, and I get overwhelmed by shiny objects. No, not really, but I do err on the “basic” side of maquillage. Sure, I impulse-buy a bunch of lipsticks, and every once in a while I splurge on a shimmery eye shadow that I’ll wear on special occasions, but really I’m just a non-makeup kinda girl.

Seriously serious.

So, anywhichwhatway, just the other day (or a few months ago, whatever) I was again-for-the-hundredth-time watching “Mad About You” on YouTube just because. My obsession with Belinda Carlisle in this video is fueled by an almost-lifelong desire for her perfect blond bob (in that way you covet something you will never possess), a super-giant crush on black sweaters on the beach, and because it’s just a fun song from my childhood. Oh, and Andy Taylor. (Did I just alienate all my '90s babies?)

It seems that my perspective has shifted; instead of thinking, “Wow, she’s too perfect,” I thought, “Hey, I think I COULD do that.” The makeup, not the hair. Let’s not get crazy.

From what I can tell, this romantic, beachy thing she has going on is basically my everyday summer beauty routine plus some big ol’ false eyelashes. Anyone can slap on some eyelashes, right? Um, right?

Let me show you what I came up with.

THE BASICS

My daily makeup is borne out of tomboy-hood, but she has been nurtured by necessity. Namely, it is super-hot and humid here, and my job is one that neither calls for nor plays well with a full face of makeup.

Basically, I apply Kiehl’s Ultra Facial Moisturizer with SPF 30 and then dust on a little Rimmel Stay Matte Pressed Powder in Translucent. I am currently using a topical rosacea medication, and I find that too many lotions and BB creams and such start to feel heavy. This powder manages to cut the sunscreen sheen without getting too cakey.

Then I swipe on a coat of my trusty Maybelline Full N Soft Mascara and Maybelline Baby Lips in Grape. On my lashes and lips, respectively.

EYES

To take a bare summer face into dreamy, slightly retro goddess territory, simply add matte taupe eyeshadow and heavy lashes. Added bonus for us beginner/basic makeup girls: It’s not scary or difficult* at all!

(*I had to practice with the false lashes. There was cussing.)

I used Bobbi Brown Eyeshadow in Banana and Toast to accentuate my eyes. I applied Banana on the lid and up into the crease. I smudged the Toast into the lash line and onto the outer corners of my lids. Smudge. It’s almost impossible to mess up.

Then I tightlined my upper lashes with L'Oreal Wear Infinite Waterproof Eyeliner. (Basically, tightlining is filling in the gaps between your lashes.) Gently lift your lid and line from the underside of the lash. It helps to look down into a mirror.

Creepy, but it’s temporary.

This step begins to build thickness.

The right eye has been tightlined. Already the lashes look thicker, no?

I then lined my upper lid, staying close to the lash line and gradually thickening the line towards the outer edge of the lid. I used the same L’Oreal liner because it can be blended and is essentially idiot-proof.

Line as close to the lash line as possible. Smudge with an eyeliner brush or q-tip if the line is not perfect. More advanced beautifiers might use a liquid liner or add a cat eye. The thicker and more opaque the line, the thicker your lashes will appear.

LASHES

The falsies proved to be a challenge, and even though I consider myself to be crafty, I’ll admit I had to buy another pair of lashes after ruining and cursing the first pair.

Here’s what I found:

There are quite a few lash shapes and sizes in your local drugstore (and start with drugstore brands on the off chance you decide you don’t like them). I chose the most natural looking pair I could, Ardell Natural 109.
Trim lashes at the band to fit your eye. I also trimmed the length of my lashes because I have deep-set eyes and the lash smacked against my brow bone in an unpleasant way. Just remember when you trim that your lashes are naturally longer on the outer edges.

The package directs me to apply glue directly to the strip. I find it easier to put a dab on glue on my hand and dab the strip into the glue. You might also try a toothpick or other instrument to apply the glue. Wait about 15 seconds until the glue is tacky.

Press the strip into the glue just enough so that it does not seep onto the lashes themselves.

Apply the lash from above the eye instead of trying to come straight in. It helps to keep your eye open a bit. Don’t press the strip flat against a closed eye. Remember you’re trying to apply the lash as close to the root of your real lashes as possible. I centered the lash, then used tweezers to affix the outer and inner edges.
The glue that came in the package dried white, so I touched up the eyeliner and filled any gaps. I added another coat of Full N Soft to blend the lashes.

I felt like I had giant, shaking ham fists while I did this, but I imagine it gets easier with practice. I, for one, don’t really have time for practicing with false lashes, so I will probably do the next best thing: fake false lashes.

With my tightlined and regular-lined lids as a starting point, I can build up my lashes to look much thicker than they are naturally. Remember, the thicker and bolder the line at your lash, the thicker the roots of your lash will appear.

After accentuating my lash line, I applied two coats of my Full N Soft (I will probably mention this mascara every time I write about makeup so go ahead and get a tube). Wiggle the brush at the root of your lashes to distribute more product there before combing through to the ends. Remember that we want to build up thickness at the base of the lash. I would recommend brushing through with a lash comb, as well.

Falsies.

Realsies.

The final results are quite similar, so I’d have to say I’m leaning towards using the fake false lash technique due to ease of application. Also, I am very aware that the falsies are not perfect--you can see the strip in the close up, etc.

However, I am going to keep practicing with the false lashes because they do look so fun. Once I am more of an expert, maybe I can do a video for y’all. This is a growing relationship for me. Hugs.

Fakes lashes.

Pretend fake lashes. I do know how to smile so I can’t quite explain the attitude here.

Happy experimenting! Any tips from the more experienced lash wearers out there?

Last week I shared my comprehensive guide to hair shininess, and--though I hate to play favourites--I think this was my favourite article yet, mostly because of YOU GUYS. You helped each other out in the comments, and you gave me some awesome ideas and product recommendations.

Let me tell you, I grew up feeling like I was the only person IN THE WORLD who had hair like mine, and hearing from so many people who felt the same way, fought the same battles and have the same issues that I do is totally awesome.

But that was only part one of my Amazing Hair series. I also promised to show you all my secrets for styling hair--and that starts now, WITH VIDEOS!

So let's talk about teasing.

Teasing your hair is really easy, and it’s the base upon which many awesome hairstyles--like the giant bun I wrote about a while ago--are built upon.

Styles like this giant teased ponytail, for instance!

But it’s one of those things that intimidates or freaks a lot of people out, because deliberately knotting up your hair sounds like a terrible idea. It seems like it would be super-damaging and time-consuming and just generally bad times.

It isn’t. It’s THE BEST times.

In this video, I’m gonna show you a really quick and easy way to get giant teased hair with no hassle, and how to comb it out again with no damage.

A few other bonus tips:

If you have very fine, slippery, shiny hair, spray your hair with hairspray before AND after you tease. It’ll help it hold and stay better.
That said, this works on every hair type. I've done it on friends with baby-fine blonde hair, and on friends with crazy natural curls. I'd say be very careful if your hair is prone to breaking, though, like if it's been hardcore bleached or recently permed. Don't stress your hair out more than you have to.
Teasing seems to work best on second-day hair. Or third day hair, even. Basically any hair that hasn't JUST been washed.
Curling your hair, then teasing it, looks AMAZING. A one-inch curling iron all over, followed by some light ratting? Perfection.
The tighter you rat your hair, the harder it will be to get out. Just a reminder.
I kind of wish I’d curled my hair before I put it into the ponytail, because I think that style looks better slightly wavy. The leave-in conditioner plus a firm brushing kind of made my wave fall out.
Seriously, NO ROUND BRUSHES. NO ROUND BRUSHES EVERRRRRRR!

Here are the products that I used in this video. I’ve written about all of them before, especially the hairspray, because IT IS THE BEST.

The brush and the comb are nothing revolutionary, you can get them anywhere. Leave-in conditioner: Infusium 23 Moisture Replenisher Leave-In Treatment, Tigi Bed Head Hard Head hairspray. The necklace was from White House Black Market like six years ago.

And that’s it! I hope I covered everything, but if I didn’t, ask me questions in the comments or tell me your best stories about getting brushes stuck in your hair on Twitter.

For a stretch back in middle school, my self-esteem was the pits. What with the braces, the glasses, the acne… it wasn’t a pretty picture. So my mom, bless her heart, made a concerted effort to help me feel better about myself. She treated me to Glamour Shots (where I despised every photo and stormed out), invited me to join her at Curves gym, and took me to get my eyebrows shaped when I was 13.

The woman at the salon said I had “good” brows, and after she plucked them into a more refined shape, I sorta thought that was settled. This is my eyebrow shape. Done!

Until a few weeks ago, when I got a rude awakening. A commenter, who shall remain anonymous, remarked that she couldn’t trust beauty advice from someone with “sperm eyebrows.” At first I was shocked, then I was pissed, and finally I was just plain embarrassed (the three stages of brow grief?).

It's cool though.

Because she was right. Admittedly, I hadn’t given my brows much thought over the years. I had just maintained the shape that was bestowed upon me in my teens. Compared to some cautionary examples of brow abuse, I didn’t think my brows were that bad.

We’ve all seen worse, right? Right? This is actually after a few weeks of regrowth, so they're extra wonky.

Plus, my brows have never had much of an arch, and my hairs are wiry and dirty-blond and grow really long, so I figured my default brow was just the best I could do. I know that big, bold brows are popular, and I think they look great, but I assumed that was one trend I simply couldn’t pull off, like a pixie cut or nude lipstick or twerking.

But that harsh comment--and a few similar ones that followed in its stead--really opened my eyes. My brows looked weak, outdated and unnatural. In short, I had been in brow denial, and I needed professional help.

So I called Kristie Streicher, a brow expert with salons in LA and New York whom I’d interviewed a few years ago. She’s known for her signature “feathered” brow, and works with celebrities and models on the reg.

Kristie Streicher: brow whisperer and bona fide babe.

She talked me off a ledge and assured me that my brows weren’t too far gone. “Excessive waxing, tweezing or threading can damage the follicle, causing it to become dormant,” Kristie says. “Sometimes it can take up to a year to grow back. In extreme cases, it may never grow back.”

How your brows respond to abuse is pure genetics, she says: “Depending on your heritage and background, some people have dense, thick hair that can be super-tenacious and endure all the waxing and tweezing one can take, and others can over-tweeze once and never have the same regrowth again.”

In my case, Kristie prescribed a year-long regrowth plan. “Let your eyebrows fill in, which means no tweezing or trimming for at least three to four weeks to start,” she says. “Then, I recommend to either just pull random hairs or stragglers yourself or find someone you trust that just tweezes to clean them up every four to six weeks thereafter.”

She explains that this allows you to see the natural growth pattern and shape of your brows, and it also helps hairs get on the same growth cycle, which means less tweezing altogether.

“When hairs are taken out at once, they will all grow in at once, putting them on one growth cycle rather than several,” Kristie explains. “It takes six to eight months and sometimes even a year for every hair on the eyebrow to completely grow in, so be patient.”

To speed the process, she recommends GrandeBROW, a serum that promotes the growth of thicker, fuller brows. “It’s really great,” she says.

As far as my specific brow shape, she said it’s quite common.

“The arch is in the beginning of the eyebrow instead of the outer portion,” Kristie explains. “There is an abrupt lift in the brow directly above the inner portion of the eye. This lift should be on the outer portion, towards the end, which creates an opening and lifting effect on the eye and brow. When the arch or lift is placed too far in, this can create a ‘surprised’ look.”

She even made this diagram for me to follow, illustrating where my arch should be and where I need to fill in.

This is also how you illustrate a quarterback sneak.

So, with that roadmap in hand, I’m setting aside the tweezers, picking up a tube of GrandeBROW and embarking on my brow regrowth journey. It’ll be a long and unkempt road, but I think I can go the distance. I’ll be checking in periodically to share my progress, so stay tuned!

Am I the only one who ever needed a brow wakeup call? Has anyone ever criticized your brows? Or has your brow game always been spot on? Let me know!

I've been on the verge of crying all day. I'm struggling with a lot of things right now. Personally, it's loneliness. Professionally, it's feeling like I haven't given you guys great photos with my articles, and that I just haven't written enough articles that aren't these Quick Questions. Personally and professionally, it's my weight; I feel like it's holding me back in both arenas. It's complicated.

OK, now I'm actually crying. Writing about what you're on the verge of crying about will do that, I guess. This is the first time I've cried at the XO office. No one's noticed yet. And if I can get away with it not being noticed, that would be ideal. Even though crying isn't considered a weakness here, I'd rather not do it within eyeshot of my coworkers.

And what sucks about crying is that even if you get it all out without it being seen, your face gives you away for a while after. My nose will be red and puffy for a while, and my eyelashes with be shiny from wetness, which is much less magical than it sounds.

Annie wrote up a great pre-xoVain beauty article on xoJane about how her makeup stayed looking hot even after she'd been "ugly crying." (Annie doesn't really do anything ugly--let's be real.) But my makeup didn't look that great to begin with today, so I'm more concerned with hiding the evidence than maintaining my makeup.

I've been keeping MyBody Calm After The Storm Eye Cream at my desk for just such an occasion. Seriously.

Even though they don't say anything about using it after you've been crying "Calm After The Storm" just sounds like it was made for exactly that. The cream itself feels cooling and soothing, and the fact that the applicator is a smooth metal slanty-ma-bob only increases that cooling feeling--all very good in the quest to de-puff post-cry under-eye bloat.

And it happens to have anti-aging benefits, too, to help you not cry about looking old.

I'm open to suggestions, though. QQ: What do you guys do to hide that you've been crying?

Sharon Stone In Basic Instinct: A Look So Effortless I Want To Barf

Aegyo Sal: Do My Under-Eye Bags Make Me Look Younger?

Evil Eyes And Bulls’ Blood: Beauty Tips From Ancient Egypt

$3 Will TRANSFORM Your Feet

Lipsticks Are My Cigarettes

How To Deal When Your Period Ruins Your Face

Quick Question: When Did You Get Your First Zit?

Two-Toned Liquid Liner Because I'm Indecisive

Contouring Isn't As Easy As Everybody Makes It Seem

Audrey Hepburn: How To Get Her '50s-Era Gamine Dream Makeup Look

A Way-Too-Easy Summer Updo That You Probably Should Have Thought Of

BEAUTY DARE: I Drunkenly Got A Manicure At 1 A.M.

Quick Question: What's Your Favorite Designer Fragrance?

5 Pretty Things On The Internet: "Topknots Require Lipstick"

Perfumes Are My Time Machine: Here Are The 4 That Really Send Me Back

Super-Straight Hair Can Be Beachy Too, Dammit!

Mad About Belinda Carlisle: We're Talking Bigger, Thicker Lashes

Big Hair To Fill With Big Secrets: An Easy Teasing Tutorial

I Got Comment-Shamed Into Regrowing My Brows

Quick Question: How Do You Hide That You've Been Crying?