What’sthe dumbest thing you did this week? Unless you smeared your face in bee venom,you’re officially smarter than me.
Whoguided me to such a stupid decision? The Duchess of Cambridge, obvi. The internet isawash with stories about how Kate Middleton allegedly uses a bee venom cream asa form of tony rich-lady Botox.
Kate Middleton seems adept at a lot of things Iwant to try but would undoubtedly fail at--marrying a prince, rowing, using acurling iron--and so the idea of us sharing a skin secret with her wastitillating.
Manuka Doctor
Apinourish Rejuvenating Face Mask$85.00
The last time I was at Sephora, the Manuka Doctor Apinourish Rejuvenating Face Mask immediately caught my eye. It's a creamy face mask boasting New Zealand Manukahoney and BEE VENOM. Like the shameless grifter I am, I asked for a sample. Thebeautiful Sephora lady raved about the mask as she shoveled it into a tiny jar: how it made your skin feelfresh and firm, how you looked less tired after you wiped it off.
She reachedto hand over the jar, and suddenly startled, jerking her hand back.
“You aren’t allergic to bees, areyou?”
To be frank, I have no idea ifI’m allergic to bees or not. I haven’t been stung by a bee in 15 years; I amallergic to mosquito bites, but mosquitos are angry and disgusting, while beesare the preferred symbol of BEYONCE, so I felt like the two afflictions mightbe unrelated.
She explained that in their training on the product, employeeswere told that people with bee-sting allergies should not ever use the mask. Asane person would probably find this warning alarming, but I actually found itexciting. How potent! I thought. I ran home to try it, visions of low-gradetoxins dancing in my head.
Here's the deal with this mask: Put it on for 10 minutes, andyou'll look good afterwards. When applied, it really does feel like your entireface is being stung by bees, but in a pleasant, dull way that won't have yourunning for an EpiPen. When removed, your face looks tighter and flushed,although the results don't last for very long.
Thedanger: Don't become delirious with success, which is what happened to me. If my face looks so good after 10 minutes, imagine what it would looklike if I left the mask on overnight? I wondered, picturing myself risingand staring at the reflection of an I Am Sam-era Dakota Fanning. “Themask has soothing honey!” I wagered, as if the calming powers of honey wereenough to offset literal poison.
But I threw caution to the wind and slept in the mask anyway. Ibounded to the mirror in excitement the next morning, expecting to see a facepulled tighter than Ricky Martin’s pants.
NOPE. I looked exactly as you mightimagine a person who slept with a faceful of bee venom might look: red,inflamed, and a little bit hive-y. It took about five days of calming moisturizersand prayer to get my face back to it's sad, pre-venom state.
Thelesson? Don't be stupid. If you DO want to smear your face with actual toxins,be really prudent to yield the best results and don’t veer off of thedirections. Also, examine yourself and your desire to put bee venom on yourface in the first place. It will probably hurt and you won’t be any closer tolooking like Kate Middleton.